2025-01-02 ・・・ the fun in being serious

i have come to harbor a bitter, bitter distaste for how little people actually seem to enjoy things now. maybe i am wrong, but it seems every single talking point has been permeated by this sense of dishonesty. constantly toeing this fluidly moving line between 'unironically' and 'just a joke bro' in perpetuity when talking about art, music, social issues, passions, etc., seems to have morphed from internet absurdity into some sort of cultural commonplace, so much so that it has even become a marketing strategy. i hear and see the comment 'real' unbearably often for how little people actually seem to agree with whatever it is they're even responding to. i am trying to change it, but i am very guilty of this.

in short, no one seems to take anything seriously anymore, literally anything. a gross overgeneralization, sure, but social media paints enough of a picture. irony swallows any attempt at honesty whole and spits out some stupid inside joke or a half-baked, in-today-out-tomorrow attempt at internet brownie points. it shocked me to realize that people who show love and affection sometimes only do it to feel like they're in on something, not because they actually feel any emotional resonance.

what is even happening here? can we no longer just enjoy things? does everything we watch, listen to, create, and do have to answer to some vague concept enjoying it ~just~ the right amount? since when did caring become a character flaw? can we really stand being so wishy-washy? when did this half-assed, backwards way of coping with insecurity in having emotion become so mainstream?

i already lived one life, my time spent in the closet, without an ounce of genuine conviction... so as i reflect on myself inadvertently slipping into post-internet ironicism, i have to wonder: what's happened to genuine love and sincerity? how did it all erode so quickly? how can i separate myself from this as effectively as possible before i do it more than i already am?

during the time i spent in japan, i came to find myself regularly engaging in two interests. one i stumbled upon by pure chance, and the other i felt ashamed of for most of my life. both allowed me to see how fun and fulfilling enjoying something seriously, unironically, 'real'-y, loudly can be.

every so often, my boyfriend and i would take a stroll ten minutes from our tiny little apartment in waseda toward the takadanobaba jr station, stopping in at jazz spot intro for the evening.

credit: JBL Japan

it's a small place, not much bigger than the size of a standard japanese studio apartment. but somehow they manage to cram a live sound system, a grand piano, a full drumset, two to three other jazz instrumentalists, a bar, and about fourty patrons in this puny little place. essentially, this place was a jam session made public (read: crowded) and boozy.

it was cramped, hot, uncomfortable, loud as fuck... drinks were cheap as can be and never particularly high quality. every time a new patron came, the entire bar had to all stand up or squirm or contort to make room. i frequently sweat through my undershirt within thirty minutes. spilled drinks were almost guaranteed simply due to the crowd size compared to the venue itself. musicians left their saxophone or trumpet on the bar counter after they performed. the music often halted or stuttered as alternates got flagged down and squeezed their way to the front.

from the moment i set foot in there i noticed a feeling had hooked me. admittedly, this just seems at face value like it would kind of... suck. i didn't even like jazz at all either. why the hell did i even deal with this? simply put, it was the contact high of genuine love. it grabbed me by the throat and turned some wheels over in my head very forcefully.

credit: ジャズスポットイントロ高田馬場

i love music. creating it and listening to it has grown me as a person in many ways. but never had i ever felt that music could be so simple. i share my music very reluctantly, and every time i do there's a voice telling me not to engage as if i am serious, because it would be degrading to admit that i take music seriously. while i enjoy making music in my bedroom alone and on my own terms, i also was using this as an excuse to lock myself away from fear of exposing my lack of theory or technique or knowledge. purely due to insecurity, i had dashed all hopes of ever enjoying how music came to be. it had never occurred to me that, maybe, just maybe... i could be like these people performing right in front of me. if i let go, and allowed myself to take myself and my own passions seriously.

here were people operating in harmony with genuine love and purpose. together. purely for fun. the musicians jazz spot intro attracted are very obviously of high quality, and they were obviously loving it. they loved taking their music seriously and being able to share it with each other. they respected and valued the honor of being able to share the stage with someone else doing the same. they loved displaying this to the people in attendance. they took this seriously, and they were having so much fun it almost felt unreal to jaded me.

being close enough, literally within touching distance in this case, to witness people like this woke me up. sincerity and my attempts to uphold it will be what create opportunities to be happy and fulfilled. jazz to me came to symbolize a devoted attempt at musical sincerity, living and breathing because of the love of the people playing it.

which segues us to the next topic...

credit: me :3

i have been a furry, whether i was conscious of it or not, since i was about fifteen. as was usually the case, anything that was dogged on by friends or peers got my public disapproval as a matter of course, even while i secretly maintained a silent, hidden fascination. furries were probably one of the quintessential examples of this.

furries came into my life by riding off the momentum of fnaf into the instagram algorithm's meme-sphere, and it was not a positive image that was portrayed. every comment section was sure to have at least one comment saying, verbatim, 'gas the furries.' that settles it then. furries are cringe and that's that. actually, probably worse than that if the staggering amount of spite and negativity in the comments was something to gauge by. so, pack it up and move on to another thing.

well, no. it didn't work like that. not for me at least. i was hooked. these people spent thousands of dollars on these suits? why do i find them so cute? what do you mean they're pretending they are a dog, or a fox, or a cat hybrid thing, or whatever fucking else they wanted to be on the internet? you can just do that? does that mean i can do that? i can just project myself onto this creature and pretend it's me? i can create myself anew, in whatever form i please? why is this cute animal alter ego thing so exhilarating? ........ wait why is this drawing kinda hot???????

credit: @xmxclili on xiaohongshu

skipping ahead about a decade of mental progress, by the time i had settled into life in japan i came to just get over it and live life a bit more loosely. i am cringe and i am free, as it has long been foretold. i started following furry accounts, downloaded barq, made a furry acquaintance or two, i even admitted it out loud to other people. but these were slightly guilty admissions rather than confident statements. i hadn't realized that sincerely being a furry was where the fun would be.

i think it was seeing all of the furries online who shared their love for being a furry that finally convinced me. despite witnessing all of the cons, the art, the music, the strong identity in spite of the mass conglomeration and co-opting of internet culture, it just didn't click yet. all through it, i was holding something back simply because i was missing out on the really vital part of the experience: authentically enjoying something.

these people were genuinely accepting it and loving it instead of coping by saying 'yeah it's cringe, but whatever' and trudging forward. every time they put on their suit and went out in public, they were declaring that they seriously enjoy this and care for it. potentially a decade's worth, or even longer, of absorbed furry hatred was packed into their head just like it was for mine... yet they still put their suit on and went to that con.

im making a sona now, a slow but fun process. never really thought i'd be doing that, but here we are. fifteen year old me would be so horrified yet so proud.

my lone new year's resolution was a simple one. very pertinent to the topic of this sappy story. basically, be kinder to myself. yeah, i have some flaws and i have some weird tastes. doesn't really matter all that much though. i should still be nice to myself because i deserve it.

and that means allowing myself to feel how i feel and care for what i like. no irony, no mental gymnastics, no cope. how can i be nice to myself if i can't even authentically admit to interest or passion? and actually, taking things seriously can be really fun, too.